Give me a Spine
Barque dropped into orbit around the mysterious planet. The surface beneath appeared lush green with blue mottling. His old explorer friend was right about that. Greeting him in orbit was a creature he had seen before, staring him down. It was as huge as a medium warship, huge blue eyes like a man’s, reddish-brown ringed scales. His ship picked up its speech.
“I told you to come, so you came. I told you that you would be able to see this place but not interfere, if your rage flares out of your control you will not be allowed to leave.”
Barque cautiously picked up his microphone.
“Am I allowed to ask you some questions before I go down?”
It replied surprisingly patiently for something so vast.
“If it is to your benefit I will answer.”
The thing never hesitated when speaking, it always seemed to know its words ahead of time. Barque took a comparatively long time to form his thoughts. It felt wrong not to speak in a prosaic way with something so great, when you encounter someone or something higher than you it’s easy to think whatever you are accustomed to isn’t enough.
“Now, that man, Roman, who you whisked away after I plastered him against his cockpit with my vulcans, is he still alive? Why would you have saved him? He’s deprived me of my nation, I’ve been tracking for years for ruining my home world and taking the life I wanted from me. Do you know what the government of Earth did to Freedom in the process of ‘bringing them back to being part of the planetary community?’”
“I am aware. You got revenge on the man but it’s not your place to kill him. You will find him on the surface but you will not be permitted to lay a finger on him.”
Barque watched on the scope as the creature’s eyes constantly moved around and focused on things which did not seem to be there. Despite that, it never lost focus on him. The narrow field of view and information displayed on the scope only made the image more disconcerting. Few things are more tense than observing something on your sensors that is watching you with just as much interest.
“Why am I supposed to see all this? Why did you lead me here?”
No response.
The silence caused Barque to lose his composure for a moment, blurting out “do you know who I am?”
Surprisingly, the creature responded to this.
“You are the kind of human that wants to be violated. You refuse to forgive anyone because you can’t bring yourself to let go of a debt. You can’t bring yourself to let go of a debt because that allows you to carry on living in the dark, keeping away from what’s painful to you. Because you’ve been violated, you can live a life about violating others. You’re intentionally throwing away your own life.”
Now he was angry, he was livid and he did not know why. He could not say it was wrong because he refused to think about what it said for long enough to tell if it were true. The absurdity of being mad at this thing did not strike him.
Hands shaking, he picked up the microphone again and tried to force his voice back into sounding calm as if that meant something.
“Alright, that’s fair, yeah. Is there somewhere specific you would like me to land? I’m ready to get this adventure started, since I was a kid I’ve dreamed of being an explorer, seeing things man wasn’t meant to see. It’s like a dream come true.”
The creature indicated a position and Barque was off, touching down on the vast wetland. The thing had instructed him not to use protective gear and a quick scan of the surroundings revealed they were more than amiable to human life.
Stepping out, he felt the cool air split by a refreshing breeze from the south. His bare feet sank into the soft mud beneath as he carefully waded into the waters. The sky was dim and rosy, sparse cloud cover above.
Wading through, Barque observed the surroundings poking out of the gentle waves. Both red and white lilies, reeds, deep red roses. Leaning down he found there were waterwheels floating free. A distant patch spot of dry land was growing marigolds and yet more roses. All the plants bowed and dipped as if being pushed aside or stepped over.
Eventually, footsteps began to appear in the water as well, then the ghostly outlines of men wandering around. Eventually, the faces became clear enough that they could have been identified had you known the faces. In addition, many knew the complete narratives of their lives, though some had seemed to have forgotten everything. Barque could somehow tell the kinds of lives they lived just from looking at them. A learned man would have gotten much from the experience. Barque felt some shame that he got little from it but pressed on.
Barque rolled his plan through his mind. It made no difference to him whether he would get off this world or not. He was here for one purpose, to finish off Roman. He had denied him his own life, his nation, everything. It made no difference to him who intervened or why, this would be his moment of justice. Even if he died here, he had no life to live anyway.
Finally, he found Roman. He was lying on a rock being tended to by the image of doctors, reversing his fatal wounds. Barque drew his firearm and stepped forward, calling out to his enemy.
“Roman, last I saw you you were a red splatter against cockpit glass. You people somehow keep getting away from me, but I’ve got you now. I don’t care if you get pulled away again, I don’t care if I end up trapped here for the rest of my life, I’m here to finish this.”
The worst thing that could have happened to Barque right then happened. Roman asked for forgiveness.
“I know that I’ve taken your life away from you and that of your countrymen. I am a man who has spent his whole life destroying himself and others, now someone has come to destroy me and I completely deserve it, there was a time when deep down I wanted to die even though I was too cowardly to face it. It’s ironic, isn’t it? You give into fear and you end up dying while running for your life. If you’re willing to give up your life boldly then you’re really living. In any case though, looking out at this brutal empty plain, stark white with blood staining the ground, the wicked marching forward in unison into the baking sun, I know I deserve this but I don’t want it. I want to turn back.”
Barque was confused, what was this guy seeing right now? It hardly made a difference though.
“Crocodile tears, you’re just trying to get out of this alive again.”
“I know how it sounds but, for once in my life I’m thinking of someone else. I know about your deal and I don’t want you to throw your life away. If you pull that trigger I’m not sure what will happen to me but it won’t be satisfying to you. Then, after that, you’ll look into the sky and see your ship and suddenly you’ll feel like it was once yours but isn’t anymore. Then you’ll look down at yourself and not recognize your reflection in the water, then your mind will be totally gone. You’ll wander these waters for thousands on thousands of years completely lost until you’re judged and thrown away. I don’t want that to happen, what I’ve seen I can’t bear to watch anyone face.”
The man’s face welled up with tears, though by instinct he turned so that Barque would not see his weakness. It was all such a shock to both of them.
Barque looked down at his weapon. If he gave up now, what had his whole life been for? Years of revenge just to let someone go because they said they were sorry? Apologies are meaningless, all they are is a promise that you have changed, but they could never change what had been done. All Roman was doing was finding a new way to wound him. All his life was was grief.
He threw the pistol as far as he could into the waters and turned away like a whip, running off as fast as he could through the knee deep water.
He rambled on to himself, “I just don’t want to do it. I haven’t forgiven him, I have no interest in forgiving him, but I’ve decided I don’t want him dead. He hasn’t beaten me, I chose this for myself.”
He reached down and started digging mud out of the ground and crushing it in his hands. He started reaching out and crushing flowers until he grabbed a rose without thinking and got the thorns deep in his palms. Infuriated, he closed himself into his landing craft and initiated the return to his ship.
He had been tricked, he had been handled by Roman and the thing that was in orbit. It was for his own benefit, but he was still angry about it. Despite it all though, in the end he found he wanted to keep what was left of his life instead of throwing it away on endlessly pursuing a grudge. He picked his chin up to bear it, if for no other reason than so Roman would not be able to say he took everything from him, he would master himself and make a good life in spite of his best efforts. Yeah, that was it. He had come out on top here.
Returning to orbit, boarding his ship, he found the thing from before missing from orbit, possibly so that he would not be able to yell at it for handling him. Everything and everyone seemed to have his best interests at heart these days, except for himself. Maybe it was time to change that.